O Templo Square

    This weekend I was able to watch General Conference with Tiago and his family. We went to temple square afterwards and took a bunch of pictures that I have been kind of dying to share with everyone and anyone yet at the same time no one at all. So here I am on my own little space of the internet posting important pictures where people won't become involved in my life. Lol. But who knows one day, right? For now I just want to express everything that I have been feeling over the past while. 

    Today during my Healthy Sexuality in Marriage class good 'ol Chalom asked us how our perspective on pain has changed over the course of the semester. We learned more about commitment and I feel like Heavenly Father was able to answer my prayer during this hour and fifteen minute class.

    I am scared of getting hurt and allowing myself to be vulnerable. I was beyond nervous to meet Tiago's parents and have them not like me or not want me going out with their baby boy. Yet that was not even kind of the case. They kind of like me more than we both expected and I could not be more happy about that. Yet as I was thinking about just dating one boy for a long, long time it made me nervous. It makes me nervous and I don't really know how to have a boyfriend. Yet I know that it is an essecial part if I ever want to get married and have a family of my own. I need to be exclusive with someone and put my heart and energy and time and soul into it. You know? That is what terrifies me. Because what if he leaves? What if he decides that I am not worth it anymore? What then? Then I am left heart broken and unsure of stupid freaking boys all over again. So that is why for the past year I have been bouncing from boy to boy trying to not get attached to anyone, ever. 

I have been closing myself off to joy and happiness, greater than I have never known. I have been tamping down my feelings and not allowing myself to feel the things that are okay to be felt. I need to let people in. I need to talk, and open up, and allow myself to be vulnerable. I need to be confident and strong and trust in who I am, and who I have the potential to become. My worth is not based off of the opinion of those around me. It does not matter how many "matches" I get on Mutual or how many boys like the things I post on Instagram. IT DOES NOT MATTER. I am more than who I am online. I am more than the pictures I take and the selfies I post. I am more than the followers I have and amount of people who know my face. I am so much more than just a girl who goes on dates more than once a week. I am more than what I thought I was. 

I am going to be a kick A mom and a top notch wife. I am going to be a namorada maravilhosa and an even better family member. I can do hard things, and I need to do hard things if I want to grow and progress and reach the level that my Heavenly Father knows that I am capable of. 

God knows me. He knows my trials and difficulties and He loves me still. He is so proud of me and the steps I have taken and the friends I have made and the relationships I have formed. He knows my heart and He knows how to heal it. Wounds do not last forever and things come together. 

I met Tiago's parents the day after they arrived to the United States. I was so nervous and red and shaky and unsure and anxious and all of the feelings wrapped into one. Yet when I met and started talking to them I felt fine. I felt happy and peace and I knew that I was somehow enough. I could talk and communicate and love these amazing people just like I had done for a year and a half in their country. 

    The second time I was with Tiago we went to a Brazilian party with some of our friends. At this point I knew that I thought he was cute and I wanted to get to know him better. Now our Brazilians LOVE to dance and that is exactly what happened at this Brazilian party with lots of Brazilian music and Brazilian faces. I had several guys ask me to dance, including our boy Tiago. At the end of the night I realized that Tiago was the one that I wanted to dance with always. Lol. I kept looking for him in the crowd and secretly hoping that he would ask me to dance. 

    At the end of the night when we were getting back into the car, eu, ele, e a Bianca in the back Tiago held my hand. That is when my hopes got a little higher and my smile a little bigger. He has been holding my hand every day since. 

Am I looking at his butt? The world will never know. But awfully thankful for the Lord's house and that one day I will be sealed to my own family for time and all eternity. 

Cute boy. He's a goodie. And can you just imagine how cute our mixed babies would be if we got married?? You're welcome world. Also they would have the greatest eyebrows and perfect skin and I would be doing the world a HUGE favor. So you're welcome in advance just in case that ever comes to pass. 

I love his family. His mom taught me how to play a dice game and always smiles at me and tells me stories and I love her. His dad is so kind and gentle and funny and quiet and observes and great. I am grateful for trials and difficulties that turn into life changing opportunities. 

Brazilians have my heart.